Wow. Just... wow.

Now, to be fair, the letters I received in the mail today were sent out Wednesday and Thursday. One of them is directly related to an hour long phone "conversation" MILP had with my mother on the phone. (The two of them were talking because my mother refused to pass the phone to me as MILP demanded, because she knows I'm not keen on arguing. The last time I tried to have a phone conversation with MILP it was half an hour of her repeating the same demands she's had for the past several months, telling me what was "needed" and "required"....but we'll get to that later.)

After these letters were mailed- on Sunday (Sunday morning to be precise, as my family was getting ready to leave for church. Because we go to church every Sunday. My dad is the pastor. MILP knows this, so why she thought it would be a good time to call eludes me.) apparently to apologize. Maybe someone talked some sense in to her, maybe she had a sudden (and hopefully lasting) change of mind or change of heart.

At any rate- here are the letters that came in the mail for me today.

First was a card that read
"Want to know what I think?" [er.... do I have to answer that?]
"Warm and caring thoughts of you."
Inside, MILP wrote
"Dear [Catwoman],
A Ketubah - Jewish
(Marriage contract)
is
required.
Please selct your
favorite.
List
1)
2)
3)
I'll see what is available.
(Other interfaith Ketubah online)
Mrs. MILP"

Now... here's the thing that just seems to stump MILP. I'm not Jewish. Not converting. No matter how many times you ask. I'm a fan of Jews. I worship one as the Messiah! I'm not going to change that just so she can tell all her friends. Sorry. MILP has gone on at length about how a mixed marriage isn't recognized, how it has no legal standing as far as Orthodox Jews are concerned. Welp. That's just too bad. But if that is the case- what the HELL is the point of a Jewish marriage contract? NOT INTERESTED. BATMAN IS NOT INTERESTED. SERIOUSLY LADY.

Now.... here is the good bit. In another envelope came... well... not really a letter. It seems more like an essay or a diary entry. She did write a few handwritten notes on the printout and draw a few arrows to highlight important bits, but it seems that she wrote this one page essay to send out to people to try and garner some sympathy for herself. Well, far be it from me to keep this information hidden from people.


[Catwoman,]

The Mothers of the Bride and Groom
[This really was centered like a title on an essay. Is she submitting this to a newsletter?]


My husband and I waited for months to hear more details of the wedding. Every day I checked my E-mails and there was nothing from Texas, not from [Catwoman], her parents or sisters. By U.S. postal, we had received the invitation only. [Yeah, and I still haven't received their RSVP, I guess they're still deciding if they want to come.] I asked my husband about phone calls- nothing. Now news. Just silence. I felt left out of the most important decision of my son's life- marriage. [Welp, since Batman himself has blocked all of her emails and chooses to only judiciously contact her at all, it would seem strange for me to respond, especially since when I do all she does is tell me what is 'required' and what it is *I* will want. How does she know what I want?]

I gathered the courage to call the Pastor's wife in Texas, a lovely petite woman from Nicaragua. I politely inquired about everyone's health and chatted about minor topics toe ase into the more difficult question- why are [Catwoman] & [Batman] getting married. [Seriously? 3 weeks before and this is the question on your mind?] I had asked if she and the Pastor had talked to [Catwoman] about the religious conflicts of an inter-faith marraige, such as "do they plan to join a synagogue or church? What holidays do they plan to celebrate? Are they planning to raise the children Jewish of Christian?" Her response was evasive - "talk to [Catwoman]". [This is inaccurate. What my mother told her was to "Talk to [Batman]"- not to be evasive, but because my mother, who I think knows him better than his own mother thought she ought to try and understand her son's priorities and desires.] I also asked if the family had considered our very important requests for an officiating Rabbi, for a chuppah, for the wedding not to be on the Jewish Sabbath. [What MILP omits is that my mother related the full course of events. As Batman and I were looking in to making some of these changes, MILP threw a hissy fit, saying that she and her husband were not to have their names on the invitations. Fed up with her behavior, and unwilling to let actions like that seem acceptable, we decided to leave things as they were, rather than try to make last minute changes such as a date change- which would inconvenience our friends who have supported us from the start.]

Had [Catwoman] met with a Rabbi to discuss conversion; as this was our expectation. [I don't know why. Andrew and I have both repeatedly told her this was not going to happen, both verbally and in writing.] I explained that I had studied for a year and a half with a Rabbi before my conversion, and had gone to the Mikvah. With heartfelt emotion, I continued; "all men in the Share family had always married Jewish" and that we honored a religion and culture 3000 years old. [Clearly, the fact that other people have done something is a reason enough to keep doing it.] "No, she is not converting," the mother firmly replied. I was a bit stunned by her negative attitude, [Actually, it is a positive attitude towards supporting her daughter's decisions] and then requested "Would [Catwoman] be able to visit us in Florida before the wedding? We would like to have an egagement party for her and to introduce her to our friends and relatives." [All of these friends and relatives who will not be accepting me because I'm not Jewish, I guess.] "No, [Catwoman] is busy with her wedding plans." [With the wedding weeks away, this is accurate. Also my mother told her that I wouldn't want to visit without Batman. Both of his parents alone set me on edge and make me uncomfortable even with him there.] I was starting to feel that this ceremony was all about HER. [Um. Look, far be it from me to be the kind of annoying princess that whines about how "IT'S MY PERFECT DAAAAAAAAAAAY" but... seriously lady? If I wanted to I could and it would almost be legitimate. It's just your good fortune that your son is marrying someone with a good head on her shoulders who doesn't get wrapped up in that kind of nonsense. But... I'll tell you one thing, our wedding sure as hell isn't about YOU.] It seems that the 130 guests would all be from her Baptist side of the family. [Except for all of the mutual friends that Batman and I have made over the years. And your 15 or so family members from Virgina. And Batman's aunt and uncle from his dad's side of the family who have been nothing but loving, welcoming, and supportive since we first met.] They were not inclusive of our kosher Jewish friends and relatives at all. When I asked for [Catwoman's] phone number, the mother responded that "No, I won't give it out- I don't want to stress her." [Thanks mom!] I expressed my deepest concern, that she did not understand our family's religion or traditions, strict Jewish marriage requirements, and that the couple had not discussed extremely important life decisions, such as raising children. [I'm not sure why she is so sure of this. Batman and I talk nightly for at least an hour. While a lot of it is silliness, we have talked about future plans such as children etc. I work with children all the time, do you really think I'd forget that they need to be brought up? Batman and I have been engaged for over a year- how would these things not come up?] I felt that "they were not ready to get married." "I'm staying out of it"- the Pastors wife was sounding defensive and trying to avoid my concerns. [No- she was trying to avoid getting in another pointless argument. I often find that when people accuse someone of being 'defensive' they are completely unaware that it is because they themselves are being offensive.] This was becoming a verbal fist fight, the beginnings of a religious war. [@.o] Imagine two women fighting over the affection of one man. [Wait, what? Do you really think there is anything *like* a competition for Batman's love right now? First of all, that's ridiculous. Second of all, if there was a competition going on... dear old mummy here isn't the long shot, she's not even at the track.] We were unfortunately, two very different mothers of different cultures and religious beliefs, [Yep. Christianity and Judaism share no common ground whatsoever. All those early Christians were actually Chinese and ate only BBQ pork. Mmm... BBQ pork....] who were linked by my much loved son, Andrew.

What is your phone # E-mail?
Please keep in touch. Thank you
Love Mrs [MILP]


I'm not really sure what else I can say, other than I hope that the phone call on Sunday morning indicates she's reconsidered this notion of a "religious war" over her son. Optimism much?

Homestretch? I don't even know.

Well this is FABULOUS. My sister has been helping me out lately, trying to make arrangements for things - invitations, rehearsal dinner, etc- and to do so, she's been in contact with Batman's dad. Somehow, Batman's mom got a hold of my email address. DO NOT WANT.

I'm already sending back over 3000.00 to her because I'm not going to accept a check with the notion that if I use that money I'm obligated to use it the way she sees fit. I have already purchased a dress I like very much thanks, and I also love my jewelry. Just because it's not what you like doesn't mean I'm about to change it all TWO MONTHS BEFORE MY WEDDING.

I'm not really angry at this woman- I don't want to waste the mental energy. I'm mostly sad for her that she has such control issues. The thing I dislike though, is that hey, I'm getting married. I know there is stress involved in pulling off a giant party (heck, I helped cater an even of 600+ last weekend) but overall, I should be happy about things! Really, just a month ago, my heart overflowed with peace and goodwill towards men. I made friends with people I had previously stopped talking to. I helped out friends when I could. All was well with the world. For someone to take that feeling away from me, not because something is actually wrong, but because they are being selfish and childish... that makes me upset. GRR.

Batman and his parents came for a visit in early October- and while I love Batman and spending time with him is great, it was one of the most stressful weekends in my life. Both he and I were wiped out and had to take a day off afterwards- that's how bad it was. Batman's mom remains oblivious to this fact.

Since that time she has:
1. Given my mother's cell phone number to people and had them call her
2. Called my mother repeatedly
3. Sent me diet pills
4. Sent me more photos of her dress and her wedding with the implication that I should have wedding like hers
5. Sent me money to pay for a band and a new dress (WTF?) because if you don't have a first waltz it's not a real wedding (I jokingly but not really jokingly told her that the state of Texas does not require a dance for a legal wedding)

and goodness only knows what else. She also sent me 50.00 which I promptle handed over to a worthy cause. (MEK) Any other cash will likely meet a similar fate. Child's Play is coming up.

LET'S LOOK AT THE EMAIL!

Dear [Catwoman's] family,
Rehersal Dinner:
I prefer a place with a private room & audio visual capabilities. [these people are stuck on a dvd powerpoint slideshow, despite the fact that neither Batman nor I are interested. Also, as a cosplayer, I have no recent photos where I'm not dressed like an idiot.]
silver fox - good - could you call?
ruth chris -good
What type of place is the Reatta ( would you please call & ask if they have a private room)
Any other ideas? also,

Do you have musicians/ vocalists for the ceremony?
Have you hired musicians / band for the ceremony & reception?
Can they play any Jewish wedding music? Would separate men/ women dancing be OK? [Neither Batman nor I are interested in dancing at the reception, and the site isn't really equipped for it. We have said this multiple times. FLAT OUT. She refuses to listen.]
Klezmer music?
Please be aware that intermarriages are prohibited in our Jewish religion. I was required to study for 1 year for a conversion to Judaism.
My husband would only have married Jewish. All men in the [Batman] family have married Jewish & given their sons a BRIS and a Bar Mitzvah. Our Rabbi - Rabbi Davis [Phone Number] - will be back wed, thurs, fri am.
IMPORTANT -[Catwoman] is required to have at least 8 1 hr. meetings with a traditional Rabbi, before I will consent to paying for this dinner.[Shoot, we can just go get Wendy's then! I just point this out as an example of her using money as a weapon/leverage. You know what, yeah- my family doesn't have a lot of money. Oh well. My sister still got married and it was just great and there wasn't much help from the groom's family because they live in another country. But to act like we're going to go OH NOES!!!!1 WE MUST DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE OF MONEY!!! I'm sorry, I don't operate that way.] It is enjoyable to learn about the Jewish religion & culture. [No sarcasm from me- I am sure it is if you are interested. But seeing as Batman himself is not interested, it would be silly for me to do something just to keep up appearances.] [Catwoman], please call for apts. with local Dallas Rabbi [Name] [Phone]. I will provide all taxi fees.

Do you have a driver's license, yet. It is very important to do so, for your own safety. [People never die in cars. Only in buses and while crossing the street.]

There are strict rules requiring a jewish marriage, that have been completely ignored.[Well maybe you should think about why your son had no interest in pursuing such a marriage?[ No Saturday weddings are allowed among religious Jews.[But magically, she found a Rabbi to officiate on a Saturday morning.]
I am not allowed to invite anyone from the greater Jewish community[Woman, I could make a list of the things you are not *allowed* to do- but that has never stopped you before!] ( aprox. 100 guests that will not come & will not send a gift)[Well, I AM poor. I am only getting married for the presents.] [Batman] will be denied almost all birthright honors in the Temple, he will be denied rights to read from the Torah, restricted inheritance...if he marries an non-jewish girl.
You simply do not understand the anguish on our end.
I have not had an opportunity to discuss major decisions, such as Jewish holidays, raising children etc., jewish status of children.[Batman has no interest in raising his children in a Jewish traditio--- no, y'know what? I'm not even gonna try anymore.]
There is a possibility that my husband will not attend.[THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME- BECAUSE HE HAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP.]
thank you for sending your e- mail. [I DID NOT! I THINK MY SISTER LEFT IT ON A CC AND I AM PISSED.]

I will still make a C.D. with your photos - please send a quickly, as possible.

Also, [Catwoman] must have a complete health & physical ( we sent money order)- we have a thyroid specialist friend, who is concerned she may have iodine deficiency,[WTF kind of doctor makes a diagnosis having NEVER SEEN the person???] hypothyroidism, possible goiter? She also needs a fasting blood glucose test. Must be treated now!
Has she been put on a weight -loss program? [I'm starting kickboxing ASAP.]

thank you for keeping in touch. We should have had these talks a year ago. [I'm hella glad we didn't. I couldn't take a year of this.]
sincerely, [mrs. doesn't capitalize anything properly]

Yeah so. Punch. With bears. I don't even know anymore.

Won't you take me to... crazy town?

Well, I have to commend MILP. She's cramming as much crazy as she can into her envelopes now- multiple letters in a single envelope... in case one wasn't enough. Er?

What's also entertaining (for a given value of entertainment) is that the letters are essentially the same thing, with just a little minor rephrasing. This is indicative of the emails she's sent to Dr. Genocide. Gotta drive that point home.


Dear Catherine,
Thank you for your letter.
I have waited over a year to hear from you and your parents. [Note: This is blatantly untrue. The woman did not meet me until late March of this year. This letter comes roughly 4-5 months after that meeting. Maybe she's talking in dog years?] I have sent more than twelve gifts and letters to your home patiently waiting for a response, so that I could better understand your family background, culture, religion, beliefs and goals.
You have not even had an opportunity to visit our home, meet our community, and attend Shabbat or holiday services with our Jewish family.
Our [Genocide] family is descended from the holy tribe of Levi.
[Dr. Genocide]'s great grandfather used to conduct Rosh Hashana + YomTom services at his synagogue. Our family Name was Abramson. [Dr. Genocide]'s name is Isaac.

1)I have asked you repeatedly to 1st-- consult with an orthodox or conservative Rabbi before considering marriage. [Apparently, I'm meant to become a time traveler to appease this woman...] There are many strict laws that neither you, Andrew or I understand. It is dangerous to make up your own marriage rules. [Yep, we're just making up random stuff to do. A llama is performing the ceremony and everyone will sit on pillows and play drums...] Jewish Law has been observed for 2000 years. Interfaith marriage is not legal in Jewish Law- it is not considered a marriage - but living in sin.
4)[What happened to 2 and 3?] Another big problem is the marriage contract- called Ketubah. In a valid Jewish wedding, a Ketubah is a contract, that is signed + witnessed by 2 non-related Jews.
In case of divorce or death, the Ketubah offers the wife money and some living expenses. It is a legal contract. No Ketubah is given if a Jew marries a non-Jew. That would mean NO inheritance at all to you. [Well, that IS why I was going to marry him... it is ALL about the MOOONEEEEY!] There are many many more complications that would megatively affect your status and legal role. [Yep, the Jewish law is the only law that could possibly give me rights. All you non-Jews out there aren't really married!]

Judaism is a beautiful religion [No argument here.] but its laws are complex, and require consultation with an ordained Rabbi. [Only, I think- if you plan on being Jewish? I don't think Jewish law requires non-Jews to consult a Rabbi...] The orthodox Rabbi has serious training in knowledge of Jewish law.
Marriage and training are extremely important events.
A psychologist is not helpful in regards to Jewish religious law. [What? Uh... and a dentist is not helpful when repairing a window.... SO?] As I said months ago, to avoid problems, A Rabbi must be consulted first, preferrably Orthodox. [As far as I can see, the only problems are coming from MILP....]

Catherine, [I guess we're starting a new letter now?]
I am glad that you have enjoyed the gifts I have sent to you and your family, as a gesture of peace and friendship. [No comment- but the fact that she's calling Dr. G and asking him things like "What makes her so special?" doesn't seem too friendly to me.] Please keep writing to us- we have been trying for a year to communicate with you. [Communicate? Hardly. A year? Well- we've already been over the math.] In a previous letter, I have invited you to Florida to visit us- we will pay all your travel expenses. We expect you to visit us several times, before even contemplating marriage into a Jewish family.
Thank you,
[MILP]


So there you have it. Nothing too terrible, she just expects me to go to Florida (via TARDIS) to meet her friends and talk to Rabbis about a conversion that neither I nor Dr. G want any part of. Let me also reiterate that Jews are NOT into the whole conversion thing. They don't want you to convert. So why would any Rabbi even TALK to me about the process if I didn't have a hint of desire?

Yeah... Plan B is going into action FOR REALS.

The Elusive Truth Pt. II

I don't have actual text to post this time, and I probably wouldn't if I did. The reason for this is that the latest installment of crazy comes to us not from MILP, but from people she has suckered into writing to Doctor G and myself, clearly without giving them the full story.

I posted recently about how I have received not one, but two letters from Rabbis. These letters were not addressed to me, but rather to Andrew. My name was written in later (in her hand). The context of the letters was such that it seemed she had approached them to ask them to talk to their son about marriage and conversion in vague terms, but had clearly not mentioned that he already had a fiance (and a date)! She's not being honest with these men, and I feel terrible about that.

To add to the fun, she has now gone so far as to talk with her friends (are these the same ones she wanted me to meet?) who are now writing emails to Dr. G. These emails are pleasant enough, but again, not informed. In at least one case, one of MILP's friends wrote to Dr. G to tell him about a nice girl he might remember from the past, and what she's doing and how to contact her. It's clearly an attempt at matchmaking. The tone of the letter (And Dr. G's own feelings about the person that wrote it) indicate that she's not at all aware of my existence. Again, this poor lady was probably fed half of a story, and acted in a way she thought was appropriate.

But seriously.... what on earth? First this lady sends gifts. (Which are nice but random...) Then she questions the legal status of my family as well as my parents' ability to responsibly raise a child. She calls me controlling, claims I have an agenda, invites me "with warmth" to her home to meet her friends... friend who she has gone to in search of potential mates for Dr. G. What?

Plan B is going into action. ASAP.

Elusive Sincerity

...which would be a good band name if you were extremely emo and highschool.

I got another package today, with not one, but THREE notes. SUPER BONUS! There was also a small book and a wrapped box with what appears to be a purse inside. (It was sorta dented, I haven't actually opened the box...) While none of the letters were particularly long, I just thought I should share them, especially in light of recent correspondences.

One of the letters was (despite my firm insistence that I will not be converting) from a Rabbi in the area where Dr.G's mother lives. The letter was really addressed to Andrew, but my name was written (in her hand) in at the end. (This is the second letter like this I have received. It makes me think she is not telling these Rabbis the whole story, otherwise, why would they not put my name on the document?) It detailed some of the various approaches to conversion etc. Nothing rude, obviously this man was just doing his job and that's fine, but I really am getting tired of this lady's utter denial of the fact that I'm not becoming a Jew. Ever. And I'm not sorry about it. And no Rabbi would convert someone who wasn't absolutely prepared and interested in doing so. Goodness!

What was more entertaining was the letter written by MILP herself.


Dear Catherine,
I would like to welcome you with warmth + love to visit our home in sunny Florida this August.

I will pay all travel/air expenses.
You will have a breakfast/brunch with my closest friends.
You'll want to meet our wonderful Rabbi to understand the requirements of marriage into the Share family. RSVP soon.
Love, [MILP]

Short, but jam packed with WTF. First of all, accusing someone of seducing and controlling their son to further their own agenda must be part of the whole "welcoming" process that I'm not familiar with. Warmth + Love! BFFS 4 EVAR!

I also like the declarative "YOU WILL DO THIS" and "YOU WILL WANT" bits. No, I will not want to, thank you. I want you to listen to your son (primarily) and me (if you have time) so you can stop making a fool out of yourself and alienating your family further.

The problem here is really just that MILP had a dream, a plan for her family. However, contrary to her understanding, I am not the reason these plans are not coming to fruition. Her own dysfunctional relationship with her family has soured two of her three sons to the concept of marriage. It's a small wonder that Dr. Genocide is marrying me. (That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am THAT EFFING AWESOME. Or I just seduced him... I forget...) Dr. G confided in me that practically all of his experiences with Judaism were negative, and he wasn't jumping at the chance to pass those on to any children.

This discussion ended before the guy even met me!

Poor Dr. G tried talking to her on the phone, but failure was abundant. At this point, the poor guy is pretty much just done talking to her. At all. I think somewhere in her mind she thinks that if she gave him an ultimatum, he'd pick her and his faith over me. Um... wow. I hope it never gets to that, for her sake.

Really, I'm not mean, I don't hate the woman- I just wish she'd really listen. With actual listening. For listening purposes. Then we could all just stop spinning our wheels and get on with our lives.

I talked to my own mother today about this- in an attempt to come up with an appropriate response to this letter. (I can't make the trip as I have a strict externship schedule I need to adhere to through November.) I think my next step (aside from sending her a 4 page letter that just reads 'BEES BEES BEES') is to tell her that I love her son, and he loves me- unconditionally. It has nothing to do with religion or expectations, unlike her own feelings about both of us (well at least me... I'm ruining her son, he's faultless of course). But who knows how that will go.

Who wants to contact Lifetime about optioning my blog? ;)

In the Mouth of Madness

Or perhaps I should say "From the Mouth" or "From the Fingers"... but "From the Fingers of Madness" sounds strange, although perhaps even more creepy... ah well, save it for a rainy day.

It's been a long time since my last post. To be honest, aside from the occasional unsolicited note suggesting things like I have a mariachi band at my reception, or that I should serve what appears to be a coffin full of shrimp topped with an ice sculpture of a swordfish (I'm working from a photo here)- there hasn't been much going on.

Well... at least not that I should have known about. No, all of the drama was very secret, very private, very contained. Well, that is- if you assume that Batman and I never talk ever, especially not about wedding or family issues and the like. I mean, why would we? It's not as though we have an open relationship where we are both comfortable talking about our concerns with one another. That would be ludicrous!

So, to thank you all for being patient (I know many of you out there still check this blog regularly) - consider this post the motherlode. (Haha... or just a load of mother...) Here, in chronological order, are four emails sent this week to Batman illustrating his mother's growing... well, we'll just call it "concern" (no need to be nasty) about his choice to marry me.

You may say to yourself, "Self, Catwoman sure is being nasty typing all this online and sharing it with the world!" Well... you might be right- but all my buddies are out of town and I needed to vent. The names have been changed to protect the reasonably innocent. :)

Email # 1

Dear [batman],
There are strict religious laws concerning a jewish marriage.
A legitimate rabbi must be consulted first ( preferably orthodox or
conservative)
Any girl you choose, must be jewish or converted to judaism , with
immersion in a mikvah.
In my case,
I was required to study with 2 rabbis for one and a half years
before conversion.
Your father would have only married jewish. I'll send you photos of
our wedding under a chuppah.

we love you so much, and want you to make wise choices that will
affect you life, your childre's lives & all future generations of
jews.
Your grandmother's name was [batmanson],
your hebrew name is issac (note from [batman]: My hebrew name is Ari,
as far as I knew).
You are our family link in 2000 years of judaic heritage.

please consult with an orthodox or conservative rabbi.
I am sending you an important letter by US mail.


love, mom

When you convert to Judaism from a protestant religion, you are required to give up Christ. I do not; however, think it is necessary to give up grammar and punctuation. Let me reiterate that although Batman's mom did her best to try and raise all of her sons to be good Jews (and I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with that)- not one of them feels a strong inclination to follow through with that, so all these "musts" are definitely from her viewpoint. Don't get me wrong, if someone is Jewish, and feels that they really need to adhere to Jewish laws about marriage etc, that is groovy and awesome- but if they don't... and a parent forces them to do so- that seems so terrible to me. More on that later.

E-mail 2!

Marriage to a non- jew is forbidden. If a jewish man marries a non-
jewish girl then:
The wedding is not recognized
the children are not jewish
the sons could not have a bris
the children could not have a bar Mitzvah or Bat mitzvah
Most honors in shul would be taken away from you, like an aliyah - call to Torah
Your children would have great difficulty entering a hebrew / jewish school
jewish friends would avoid your wife ( unless she converted)
No religious jew would attend a mixed marriage -
and only a few would even send a gift.
No Rabbi will co-officiate with a christian minister at a mixed marriage.

( it is the groom's 1st responsibility to find the rabbi )
You must find a jewish girl or one who will convert under legitimate authority.
You must get control now,
otherwise you cause the death of all future generations of jews.

You are a vital link in a chain 2000 years old.
we love you.
We have worked very hard to ensure that Mom & dad had an orthodox/
conservative wedding
I received a ketubah
You had a bris with orthodox supervision
You were blessed ( may you live a life of Torah, Chuppah, and massim
tovim - good deeds)
you attended religious schools,
you had a bar mitzvah in an orthodox shul
(with a beautiful celebration with the community)
We sent you to Israel

You are too isolated in Indiana -
the missionaries ( Baptist are the worst for trying to convert jews)
are all over every campus.

You must be strong! Think about your whole life, your children's
future, and the hopes & dreams of you parents & community.

Please consider going to a Hillel house, or looking on - line at J
Date ( jewish dating service )
Even a reform jewish girl is more jewishly recognized than a baptist girl.

Tonight is tish b'av - a fast day, a very moving service usually
starts at 8 pm.

love, mom


Batman and I had a bit of fun with this- really there was no other way to respond. He had no *idea* the fate of the future of Judaism rested on his shoulders alone. From the sounds of it, if he chooses to marry a non-Jew, the entire Jewish community (there's that word again...) will be destroyed. I said it sounded like genocide to me. Batman said it sounds like his mom is comparing him to Hitler. Since this was sent in an email, I think it qualifies as an internet argument, and since comparing someone to Hitler is an automatic LOSE for the person who does it... well... yes, sorry, MILP. We are also curious how she came to be in possession of this futuristic knowledge. There is definitely some time travel involved, possible Schwartzenegger type Cyborgs. Because of this, we will now refer to Batman as "Dr. Genocide". It seems only fitting.

Oh yeah, and I told Dr. G to get a good coat to protect him from all those prowling Baptist missionaries. Can't be too careful. You might catch Jesus!

Email # 3 "scared to death"

Hi [Dr.Genocide's Dad],
Please discuss with [Dr.Genocide] the importance of insisting on some hebrew
school education for his children ( at least till 6th grade ), so that
they will be prepared for a bat/ bar mitzvah.
It must be written in the pre-nup, as his fatherly responsibility.

This girl [Nightmarathon... I need a cool villainous name now!], is unlikely to convert to judaism, ( she goes to
Baptist church every sunday and teaches bible school ) She will
probably take all her kids to christian sunday school & baptism.

[Dr. Genocide] must keep the door open for his kids to be jewish. It must be
handled before any marriage.

She might be a good cook and nice artist,
but I am terrified of his marriage to a baptist minister's daughter (
who don't even correspond to me!).
We have no knowlege of mexican / nicaraguan traditions or hispanic culture.

I think I should invite her to florida for a weekend visit & meet my
friends. Show her around town. I really don't know her. rsvp
[Dr. Genocide's Mom]


LET'S GET DAD INTO THE MIX!

I do go to church, and I do teach sunday school. I try to hard to hide this from the police, but you know how it is.

Okay, so I admit, I took my sweet time in sending this lady a letter. I have a really hard time being artificial, so it's hard to smile and send thank you notes when I *know* she's sending crap like this to her son. However, I grit my teeth and wrote what I considered to be a polite, but firm letter and sent it to her. I sent it to the good doctor, and he and his father both read and approved it before I sent it. Dr. Genocide (senior) said that it was "as perfect as it can be, given the circumstances". My letter was as follows:


Dear Mrs. [Genocide],

Thank you very much for the gifts you have sent. The ceramic dishes were lovely, and I have definitely made use of the cheese knives and board as well. My parents enjoyed their gifts and my mother is in the process of writing you a letter so you might become better acquainted.

I apologize for the overly tardy nature of this letter; it is long overdue. Part of the reason for this is that I have had some trouble in best deciding to express my feelings. I feel there has been some poor communication, an issue I hope we can address.

First of all, some more information about my family- with the exception of my brother who is currently working Florida, we all live in the Dallas area. My sister, her husband, and my nephew (also an [Dr. G's real name]) live a little north of where I live with my parents. My oldest sister is in the same area. We see them often, [my nephew] often stays over with “Grampa” and “Mita” during the summer, so we are best buddies. Of course, we also see each other at church each Sunday, often gathering for lunch afterwards. [Sister 1] recently finished a year as the Sunday School director, [Sister 2] leads the music in the sanctuary, and I spend Sunday with my class of preschoolers. They can be a handful, but it is definitely rewarding to share God’s love with such a great group of kids. I will definitely miss them when I move to be with [Dr. Genocide], and am spending some time this year training my replacement. I grew up in the church and my faith is a large part of who I am. We have all welcomed your son with open arms and in the years we have been together he has become a part of our family.

There seems to have been some confusion over the issue, so I will go ahead and say now that I have no plans to convert to Judaism. This has never been part of any plans [Dr. Genocide] and I have made. I regard the Jewish faith and Hebrew culture quite highly, and it is because of that that I would choose to do neither the disrespect of paying lip service to beliefs that I did not hold myself. Religion is a deeply personal matter, beliefs that are maintained for one’s own spirit rather than to satisfy others. While I know that my parents would have applauded a decision to marry someone with the same spiritual values as myself, I am thankful that they chose to respect my decision, trusting that I will handle any challenges that arise in a responsible matter while maintaining my own beliefs. [Dr. Genocide] and I have talked at length about possible challenges that may arise in the future, especially in regard to children, and neither of us would choose a future together if we did not wholeheartedly believe we were capable of meeting those challenges together. I have no problem with incorporating Jewish traditions that [Dr.G] and I choose into our wedding plans, but this decision is ours to make. Planning this wedding (across state borders, no less) has definitely allowed us to flex our communication and compromising skills. Although we are happy to have your suggestions, please understand that we may not decide to take every one. We hope that you will join us in a spirit of celebration and fellowship on our day.

[Dr.G] has expressed some concerns that he feels his voice is not being heard when you two discuss these issues. It would mean a great deal to me if you would do me the favor of discussing some of these things with him and listening to his reasons for why he has chosen to marry someone of another faith, and why he has not asked me to convert. I realize his answers may not line up with your own wishes, however I ask that you do respect what he has to say with an open mind. I know that disagreements like these can cause undue friction, something that I know everyone wishes to keep to a minimum.

In the months preceding the wedding, I will have a pretty full schedule. I will be leaving the [My School] campus in just a few weeks, then beginning a three month externship. Right now I am pursuing a few potential sites, including some well known Chocolatiers in the area, as well as a corporate test kitchen for Brinker International. You will be pleased to know that I am also learning to drive, having just received my learner’s permit. All in all, I have a full schedule ahead of me.

I hope this answers some questions and concerns you may have had. My parents and sisters look forward to meeting you should you find time to come to Dallas in the future. Thank you again for all of your thoughtful gifts and letters.


Sincerely,
[NIGHTMARATHON]


I thought my letter accomplished the following-
1. Thanked her for the gifts she sent, apologizing for my lateness in reply
2. Told her something about my family's values (as she has asked directly what they were.... which is such a weird question anyway...)
3. Told her more about myself and my plans
4. Showed respect for Judaism (bolded for your convenience and irony), while making it clear that I was not converting, and that this was JUST FINE with the Doctor.
5. Made the nature of my relationship with Dr. G clear, pointing out that we talk a lot (so anything she says can and will be used for my entertainment)
6. Politely, but firmly taking control of my own wedding plans, but making sure she knew she was welcome (And as of now, I'm a lot more welcoming than her son is)

All in all, I thought it was a fair, firm letter- explaining quite plainly what was going to happen. I'm no idiot and I know rudeness accomplishes nothing.

She presumably received this letter today- here was her response, sent to Dr. Genocide (Jr and Sr) as well as the Brothers G.

Email #4 "[NIGHTMARATHON] -too controlling!!

Regarding [Dr.Genocide]'s finacee:
This girl is not at all interested in accepting our jewish laws &
culture . ( or hearing our view point)
Why does she want to steal the best & brightest from a religious family
& community that loves [Dr.G] so much!!

[Dr.G] is being seduced & controlled. She makes no effort to learn our values.
She as her own BAPTIST MISSIONARY AGENDA.

[DR.G] IS TOO NAIVE.

please encourage him look on J- Date.com for beautiful jewish
girls, who are smart , kind, and have college degrees , and who will
be respectful to our family.

I am Absolutely against marriage to this hispanic girl [me]!! You
were right , [Dr.G Sr] & [Bro 1] & [Bro2].
[Dr. G Sr] , please stay in Indiana.
please try to find a Rabbi for an urgent meeting. thanks!

love, [Mrs. Genocide]


Get that Rabbi stat- it's time to perform an exorcism!

I'm glad I can put both of these emails side by side, so everyone can see my lack of respect and interest in Jewish culture. Um...

Doctor G said to pay no mind, that these were the ramblings of a mad woman, but we might have to change the date so she wouldn't know when it was. Bugger that, I'm doing things the way we planned to do them.

I did apologize to the Doctor for seducing him so much. It was part of my BAPTIST MISSIONARY AGENDA.

I... yeah. I have no more words. What about you guys?

Low On Ammo?

So, while this whole ordeal is long-going, I thought perhaps I'd run low on things to write about. I can nitpick the details of my visit with the woman, or muse over the silliness of it all- but what if I just ran out of honest to goodness content?

Never fear, true believers, the MILP is stepping up to the plate admirably, this time with a letter addressed to my folks- as follows:


April '09
Dear Mr + Mrs. (My parents... actually she used my dad's first name. What? My mom is not Mrs. Dad's first name...).
I have not had the pleasure to meet you yet.
My husband does not want to travel with the flu outbreak increasing.
I hope that you are all well. Would you please tell us about yourselves?
Where were your parents born?
How did they come to the U.S.?
Has any family member served in the US military? (My husband is an Air Force Captain- My Father served in Navy- WWII).
What are your religious traditions?
What are your hopes + dreams for Catwoman?

Are you US citizens?
Do you like pets? ... ->

In my community, all parents teach their children how to drive a car by age 18. It is a very big and serioos parental responsibility.
(Catwoman needs to be a safe and confident driver, not only for her safety, but for the safety of passengers or children).

Please ask a family member or responsible friend or driving school to give her lessons - she needs a driver's license.
I do not want Batman taking on that responsibility - it is not his job.
Please accept the check 190' towards Catwoman's driving lessons- please start by summer '09.
Thank you - (MILP) ->

Please write to us + tell us about your faily + parets etc.

(Content is as untouched as possible, spelling errors and all.)

So... my parents didn't want me driving at 16. Understandable. Insurance is ungodly dollars at that age. At 18, I was away at school, and summers I was working away and taking classes. Free time of ZERO. Driving has come up a lot, of course- and yes, responsible family members have taken me to the parking lot. These days, I work two jobs and have a full class load. My free time is spent... well, who am I kidding, what free time? But discussing plans with parents (this weekend, even) we decided that this summer, between when jobs end (I work for the school district) and externship begins (in August) should be a good time for me. We recognize this is important. It may be difficult for her to understand how time may be the limiting factor in all of this- being a woman who takes a vacation from... err... nothing. She's on a month long trip away from her... not working. Um. Must be nice! (No really, it must be awful. I'd go nuts with nothing to do. Maybe she has, and that's what we're seeing.

So I'm not sure where this lady gets off:
1. Assuming that it is a "community" issue. (She likes to use the word "community" a lot. In her "community" everybody eats rainbows and poops butterflies and has perfect Stepford wives, except they're bonus Jewish!)

2. Assuming it is an issue of money, and nothing else (We are of course, dirt poor Mexicans - here illegally and living 27 to a duplex.)

3. Telling my parents what Batman's job is not, but feeling that critiquing their parenting skills is *her* job. (It's not like my parents have been doing this 15 years longer than she has... oh wait... not to mention all their children willingly SPEAK TO THEM.)

4. Asking a barrage of questions (all of which, except for the pet one I have answered for her before) as though there is really any other way to interpret them besides "DO YOU HAVE YOUR PAPERS~!!??!?? HABLAS ENGLISH???"

Maybe it seems I'm jumping on the race thing, but when I post the "helpful diet tips" she sent, you'll see what I mean.