In the Mouth of Madness

Or perhaps I should say "From the Mouth" or "From the Fingers"... but "From the Fingers of Madness" sounds strange, although perhaps even more creepy... ah well, save it for a rainy day.

It's been a long time since my last post. To be honest, aside from the occasional unsolicited note suggesting things like I have a mariachi band at my reception, or that I should serve what appears to be a coffin full of shrimp topped with an ice sculpture of a swordfish (I'm working from a photo here)- there hasn't been much going on.

Well... at least not that I should have known about. No, all of the drama was very secret, very private, very contained. Well, that is- if you assume that Batman and I never talk ever, especially not about wedding or family issues and the like. I mean, why would we? It's not as though we have an open relationship where we are both comfortable talking about our concerns with one another. That would be ludicrous!

So, to thank you all for being patient (I know many of you out there still check this blog regularly) - consider this post the motherlode. (Haha... or just a load of mother...) Here, in chronological order, are four emails sent this week to Batman illustrating his mother's growing... well, we'll just call it "concern" (no need to be nasty) about his choice to marry me.

You may say to yourself, "Self, Catwoman sure is being nasty typing all this online and sharing it with the world!" Well... you might be right- but all my buddies are out of town and I needed to vent. The names have been changed to protect the reasonably innocent. :)

Email # 1

Dear [batman],
There are strict religious laws concerning a jewish marriage.
A legitimate rabbi must be consulted first ( preferably orthodox or
conservative)
Any girl you choose, must be jewish or converted to judaism , with
immersion in a mikvah.
In my case,
I was required to study with 2 rabbis for one and a half years
before conversion.
Your father would have only married jewish. I'll send you photos of
our wedding under a chuppah.

we love you so much, and want you to make wise choices that will
affect you life, your childre's lives & all future generations of
jews.
Your grandmother's name was [batmanson],
your hebrew name is issac (note from [batman]: My hebrew name is Ari,
as far as I knew).
You are our family link in 2000 years of judaic heritage.

please consult with an orthodox or conservative rabbi.
I am sending you an important letter by US mail.


love, mom

When you convert to Judaism from a protestant religion, you are required to give up Christ. I do not; however, think it is necessary to give up grammar and punctuation. Let me reiterate that although Batman's mom did her best to try and raise all of her sons to be good Jews (and I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with that)- not one of them feels a strong inclination to follow through with that, so all these "musts" are definitely from her viewpoint. Don't get me wrong, if someone is Jewish, and feels that they really need to adhere to Jewish laws about marriage etc, that is groovy and awesome- but if they don't... and a parent forces them to do so- that seems so terrible to me. More on that later.

E-mail 2!

Marriage to a non- jew is forbidden. If a jewish man marries a non-
jewish girl then:
The wedding is not recognized
the children are not jewish
the sons could not have a bris
the children could not have a bar Mitzvah or Bat mitzvah
Most honors in shul would be taken away from you, like an aliyah - call to Torah
Your children would have great difficulty entering a hebrew / jewish school
jewish friends would avoid your wife ( unless she converted)
No religious jew would attend a mixed marriage -
and only a few would even send a gift.
No Rabbi will co-officiate with a christian minister at a mixed marriage.

( it is the groom's 1st responsibility to find the rabbi )
You must find a jewish girl or one who will convert under legitimate authority.
You must get control now,
otherwise you cause the death of all future generations of jews.

You are a vital link in a chain 2000 years old.
we love you.
We have worked very hard to ensure that Mom & dad had an orthodox/
conservative wedding
I received a ketubah
You had a bris with orthodox supervision
You were blessed ( may you live a life of Torah, Chuppah, and massim
tovim - good deeds)
you attended religious schools,
you had a bar mitzvah in an orthodox shul
(with a beautiful celebration with the community)
We sent you to Israel

You are too isolated in Indiana -
the missionaries ( Baptist are the worst for trying to convert jews)
are all over every campus.

You must be strong! Think about your whole life, your children's
future, and the hopes & dreams of you parents & community.

Please consider going to a Hillel house, or looking on - line at J
Date ( jewish dating service )
Even a reform jewish girl is more jewishly recognized than a baptist girl.

Tonight is tish b'av - a fast day, a very moving service usually
starts at 8 pm.

love, mom


Batman and I had a bit of fun with this- really there was no other way to respond. He had no *idea* the fate of the future of Judaism rested on his shoulders alone. From the sounds of it, if he chooses to marry a non-Jew, the entire Jewish community (there's that word again...) will be destroyed. I said it sounded like genocide to me. Batman said it sounds like his mom is comparing him to Hitler. Since this was sent in an email, I think it qualifies as an internet argument, and since comparing someone to Hitler is an automatic LOSE for the person who does it... well... yes, sorry, MILP. We are also curious how she came to be in possession of this futuristic knowledge. There is definitely some time travel involved, possible Schwartzenegger type Cyborgs. Because of this, we will now refer to Batman as "Dr. Genocide". It seems only fitting.

Oh yeah, and I told Dr. G to get a good coat to protect him from all those prowling Baptist missionaries. Can't be too careful. You might catch Jesus!

Email # 3 "scared to death"

Hi [Dr.Genocide's Dad],
Please discuss with [Dr.Genocide] the importance of insisting on some hebrew
school education for his children ( at least till 6th grade ), so that
they will be prepared for a bat/ bar mitzvah.
It must be written in the pre-nup, as his fatherly responsibility.

This girl [Nightmarathon... I need a cool villainous name now!], is unlikely to convert to judaism, ( she goes to
Baptist church every sunday and teaches bible school ) She will
probably take all her kids to christian sunday school & baptism.

[Dr. Genocide] must keep the door open for his kids to be jewish. It must be
handled before any marriage.

She might be a good cook and nice artist,
but I am terrified of his marriage to a baptist minister's daughter (
who don't even correspond to me!).
We have no knowlege of mexican / nicaraguan traditions or hispanic culture.

I think I should invite her to florida for a weekend visit & meet my
friends. Show her around town. I really don't know her. rsvp
[Dr. Genocide's Mom]


LET'S GET DAD INTO THE MIX!

I do go to church, and I do teach sunday school. I try to hard to hide this from the police, but you know how it is.

Okay, so I admit, I took my sweet time in sending this lady a letter. I have a really hard time being artificial, so it's hard to smile and send thank you notes when I *know* she's sending crap like this to her son. However, I grit my teeth and wrote what I considered to be a polite, but firm letter and sent it to her. I sent it to the good doctor, and he and his father both read and approved it before I sent it. Dr. Genocide (senior) said that it was "as perfect as it can be, given the circumstances". My letter was as follows:


Dear Mrs. [Genocide],

Thank you very much for the gifts you have sent. The ceramic dishes were lovely, and I have definitely made use of the cheese knives and board as well. My parents enjoyed their gifts and my mother is in the process of writing you a letter so you might become better acquainted.

I apologize for the overly tardy nature of this letter; it is long overdue. Part of the reason for this is that I have had some trouble in best deciding to express my feelings. I feel there has been some poor communication, an issue I hope we can address.

First of all, some more information about my family- with the exception of my brother who is currently working Florida, we all live in the Dallas area. My sister, her husband, and my nephew (also an [Dr. G's real name]) live a little north of where I live with my parents. My oldest sister is in the same area. We see them often, [my nephew] often stays over with “Grampa” and “Mita” during the summer, so we are best buddies. Of course, we also see each other at church each Sunday, often gathering for lunch afterwards. [Sister 1] recently finished a year as the Sunday School director, [Sister 2] leads the music in the sanctuary, and I spend Sunday with my class of preschoolers. They can be a handful, but it is definitely rewarding to share God’s love with such a great group of kids. I will definitely miss them when I move to be with [Dr. Genocide], and am spending some time this year training my replacement. I grew up in the church and my faith is a large part of who I am. We have all welcomed your son with open arms and in the years we have been together he has become a part of our family.

There seems to have been some confusion over the issue, so I will go ahead and say now that I have no plans to convert to Judaism. This has never been part of any plans [Dr. Genocide] and I have made. I regard the Jewish faith and Hebrew culture quite highly, and it is because of that that I would choose to do neither the disrespect of paying lip service to beliefs that I did not hold myself. Religion is a deeply personal matter, beliefs that are maintained for one’s own spirit rather than to satisfy others. While I know that my parents would have applauded a decision to marry someone with the same spiritual values as myself, I am thankful that they chose to respect my decision, trusting that I will handle any challenges that arise in a responsible matter while maintaining my own beliefs. [Dr. Genocide] and I have talked at length about possible challenges that may arise in the future, especially in regard to children, and neither of us would choose a future together if we did not wholeheartedly believe we were capable of meeting those challenges together. I have no problem with incorporating Jewish traditions that [Dr.G] and I choose into our wedding plans, but this decision is ours to make. Planning this wedding (across state borders, no less) has definitely allowed us to flex our communication and compromising skills. Although we are happy to have your suggestions, please understand that we may not decide to take every one. We hope that you will join us in a spirit of celebration and fellowship on our day.

[Dr.G] has expressed some concerns that he feels his voice is not being heard when you two discuss these issues. It would mean a great deal to me if you would do me the favor of discussing some of these things with him and listening to his reasons for why he has chosen to marry someone of another faith, and why he has not asked me to convert. I realize his answers may not line up with your own wishes, however I ask that you do respect what he has to say with an open mind. I know that disagreements like these can cause undue friction, something that I know everyone wishes to keep to a minimum.

In the months preceding the wedding, I will have a pretty full schedule. I will be leaving the [My School] campus in just a few weeks, then beginning a three month externship. Right now I am pursuing a few potential sites, including some well known Chocolatiers in the area, as well as a corporate test kitchen for Brinker International. You will be pleased to know that I am also learning to drive, having just received my learner’s permit. All in all, I have a full schedule ahead of me.

I hope this answers some questions and concerns you may have had. My parents and sisters look forward to meeting you should you find time to come to Dallas in the future. Thank you again for all of your thoughtful gifts and letters.


Sincerely,
[NIGHTMARATHON]


I thought my letter accomplished the following-
1. Thanked her for the gifts she sent, apologizing for my lateness in reply
2. Told her something about my family's values (as she has asked directly what they were.... which is such a weird question anyway...)
3. Told her more about myself and my plans
4. Showed respect for Judaism (bolded for your convenience and irony), while making it clear that I was not converting, and that this was JUST FINE with the Doctor.
5. Made the nature of my relationship with Dr. G clear, pointing out that we talk a lot (so anything she says can and will be used for my entertainment)
6. Politely, but firmly taking control of my own wedding plans, but making sure she knew she was welcome (And as of now, I'm a lot more welcoming than her son is)

All in all, I thought it was a fair, firm letter- explaining quite plainly what was going to happen. I'm no idiot and I know rudeness accomplishes nothing.

She presumably received this letter today- here was her response, sent to Dr. Genocide (Jr and Sr) as well as the Brothers G.

Email #4 "[NIGHTMARATHON] -too controlling!!

Regarding [Dr.Genocide]'s finacee:
This girl is not at all interested in accepting our jewish laws &
culture . ( or hearing our view point)
Why does she want to steal the best & brightest from a religious family
& community that loves [Dr.G] so much!!

[Dr.G] is being seduced & controlled. She makes no effort to learn our values.
She as her own BAPTIST MISSIONARY AGENDA.

[DR.G] IS TOO NAIVE.

please encourage him look on J- Date.com for beautiful jewish
girls, who are smart , kind, and have college degrees , and who will
be respectful to our family.

I am Absolutely against marriage to this hispanic girl [me]!! You
were right , [Dr.G Sr] & [Bro 1] & [Bro2].
[Dr. G Sr] , please stay in Indiana.
please try to find a Rabbi for an urgent meeting. thanks!

love, [Mrs. Genocide]


Get that Rabbi stat- it's time to perform an exorcism!

I'm glad I can put both of these emails side by side, so everyone can see my lack of respect and interest in Jewish culture. Um...

Doctor G said to pay no mind, that these were the ramblings of a mad woman, but we might have to change the date so she wouldn't know when it was. Bugger that, I'm doing things the way we planned to do them.

I did apologize to the Doctor for seducing him so much. It was part of my BAPTIST MISSIONARY AGENDA.

I... yeah. I have no more words. What about you guys?